Wasted Seeds

The scripture from today’s devotion in The Upper Room: 

2 Corinthians 9:6-15

9:6 The point is this: the one who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and the one who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.
9:7 Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
9:8 And God is able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work.
9:9 As it is written,"He scatters abroad, he gives to the poor; his righteousness endures forever."
9:10 He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness.
9:11 You will be enriched in every way for your great generosity, which will produce thanksgiving to God through us;
9:12 for the rendering of this ministry not only supplies the needs of the saints but also overflows with many thanksgivings to God.
9:13 Through the testing of this ministry you glorify God by your obedience to the confession of the gospel of Christ and by the generosity of your sharing with them and with all others,
9:14 while they long for you and pray for you because of the surpassing grace of God that he has given you.
9:15 Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

My life has been one of poor farming.   I have not sown a generous crop.  All of the seeds that I sowed were tainted with selfishness, and I failed to apply fertilizer.

 My parents and grandparents wanted so much more for me than I gave them.  They wanted me to go to college.  They wanted me to be happily married.  They wanted me to be successful.  They wanted my time, but I was selfish with my time and only shared a little of it.  I wonder if I brought any happiness into their lives at all.  I imagine they suffered much heartache in the disappointments that I brought into their lives. 

My children.  I am so sad for them that they had me for a mother.  I think I was a pretty good mother until I lost Mama and Nanny.  I felt like all of the goodness that ever lived in my died with these two women.  I know that is just an excuse.  I could have fought that depression, and I could have looked to other women to mentor me as a mother.  I chose not to because I was selfish and wanted to wallow in my sorrow. 

How many friends have been hurt by my selfishness?  Few people are fortunate enough to have friends who love them the way mine love me.  Somehow I never learned to foster those relationships.  It isn’t really that I like my privacy so much as I like solitude.   Poor farmers like me do not deserve friends because we are too selfish with our time. 

The good Christian farmer reaps happiness when they sow a generous crop – happiness in the hearts of God, children, parents, grandparents, friends, and family.  The seeds I sowed so sparingly were tainted by selfishness. 

I told myself that raising my family in the Church was the premium fertilizer for my farm.  It would have been, too, if only I had given myself up entirely to God, instead of only making sure we were all in Church on Sunday.  I was selfish with my time the rest of the week.  Even if I had been generous with healthy seeds, I failed to apply the fertilizer. 

I know that I still have time to sow one last crop, but I don’t have as much acreage now.   I lost a plot every time I hurt God, Amanda, Michelle, Roger, Mama, Daddy, Nanny, Grandaddy, Cathey and numerous other family and friends.  Weeds gobbled up a large piece of my acreage every time my selfishness caused pain in a loved one’s heart.   Now I just have a little piece of land left, and I wonder what I can reap from it. 

 It will take forgiveness from God and my loved ones to fertilize this small piece of land, and I am not sure they are willing to fertilize for someone who has such a selfish heart. 

I wasted a lot of good seeds in the last 52 years.